


Alfred's kitchen nightmares

by BoredomBeckons



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU, Justice League - All Media Types
Genre: Don't mess with Alfred, Family Drama, Humor, Proud cook
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:15:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24506773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BoredomBeckons/pseuds/BoredomBeckons
Summary: There is a very good reason Bruce doesn't take Alfred out to dinner anymore.
Relationships: Alfred Pennyworth & Bruce Wayne
Comments: 1
Kudos: 65





	Alfred's kitchen nightmares

"It's Alfred's birthday next week. He's asked me to invite you all to dinner to celebrate. I need to know numbers so he knows how many meals to prepare."

The other members of the Justice league all turned to stare at Bruce, the assorted heroes all showing various degrees of disbelief.

Hal was the first to voice it. "Wait, he's cooking his own birthday dinner?"

"Bruce come on" Clark reasoned; his eyes wide with shock "You're rich. Can't you at least take him out for a meal on his birthday?"

A look of panic crossed the bats face "Absolutely not!"

"Wow." Barry shook his head. "Dude."

Bruce rolled his eyes at how much of an inconsiderate lug his friends apparently thought he was.

"Don't look at me like that. I'd love to treat him but…"

"But what?" Diana demanded "Alfred works so hard. Why wont you take him out on his birthday for goodness sake?"

"Look, I took him to Gabriel Torrel's restaurant for fathers-day once ok? It was a disaster."

A momentary silence fell as the group took a moment to appreciate that Bruce celebrated fathers-day with Alfred.

Bruce continued to explain. "He found out their stroganoff was cooked with filet mignon which apparently is cooking sacrilege, then barged into the kitchen to give Torrel A piece of his mind; told him he was an overrated hack who wouldn't know good food if it bit him back."

"Holy crap," Barry muttered.

"Torrel and Alfred then simultaneously banned me from coming back and forbade me from going back." Bruce explained.

"Well, except for the following evening when Alfred made me sneak back in to steal a menu and then spent the next month systematically making everything on it the 'right way'."

Even Diana looked shocked. "That sounds rather extreme."

"It was frightening. He stood over me as I ate, waiting for me to confirm that his cooking was the best. At one point I didn't make enough yummy noises and I genuinely thought he was going to stab me. His hand twitched towards a knife and there was murder in his eyes."

The terror of Gotham leaned back in his chair; the trauma of the memory clear on his face.

"I don't take him to restaurants anymore."

Silence fell across the room for a moment before Bruce perked back up.

"So, who's coming to dinner?"

…

They all came in the end, and everyone made sure to make a lot of yummy noises. Alfred had a lovely time.

* * *

"Oh, I should also mention just in case, that Alfred is a trained sniper and keeps a loaded rifle in his rooms; if anyone ever orders a pizza to the manor it will not make it past the front gate. In fact, anything that could come under the heading of 'fast food' is strictly prohibited under threat of you yourself being slow cooked."


End file.
